As Far As My Eyes Can See – Coming Soon

I went back to Adelaide to visit my brother. It’s the first time going back since mum died. I was so excited about going back, seeing where I grew up, being surrounded by nostalgia, good memories and as soon as we landed I wanted to see everything. It struck me by how much everything had changed. It was like I was experiencing it in time-lapse. No gradual changes, just sudden and jarring differences. My old school and uni friends too. Some of them I hadn’t seen in 20 or 30 years and now they looked like their parents. It  really hit me hard.

At first I couldn’t work out why it hit me so powerfully. I walk the paths I used to walk as a boy, expecting some kind of comfort, but the feeling never arrived. As the trip went on I realised I wasn’t grieving the physical changes at all. I was grieving what I thought Adelaide held for me. I had been homesick for years and never understood what I was actually longing for.

One of my best friends from school, Gill and I catch up everytime I go back. There were five of us who spent the last two summers of high school together, and those are my most cherished memories. There was myself, Gill, Adam, Ralf and Vangie. After Ralf left Adelaide with his family we never heard from him again, and we often wondered what happened, and I also wanted to tell him how much he meant to all of us.  This trip, Gill and I decided to track him down .We found a work number online and rang him.We were both so excited, we were 16 again and laughing. When he answered, he didn’t recognise our names at first. When we reminded him of who we were, he said, “That was forever ago.” He had a meeting to get to. He said he’d call us back. He didn’t. That time didn’t mean as much to him as it did to the rest of us. I felt a bit gutted. So did Gill.

On my last night I decided to walk one last time past my childhood house. I just felt drawn to it. When I reached the fence dad had put up, in my mind I saw mum and dad as they were when my brother and I were teenagers, getting ready for concerts, happy, smiling, looking for music and uniforms. They turned and looked at me and smiled lovingly. I told them I loved them. I said goodbye. Then they went back to what they were doing, and I walked away from the house. By the time I reached my brother’s place I knew something had shifted. I had changed.

It took me a few weeks to understand what had really happened on that trip. Every place I missed, the longing and homesickness, wasn’t about things or people or places. I was looking for my mum and dad. I desperately needed to feel safe, because I feel scared, especially since the stroke. When I realised that, I cried, sobbed and howled with grief, something I’ve never done before. I truly realised I was on my own.

Coming soon!